How To Avoid Making Poor Relationship Decisions
The spark that ignites a relationship is initial chemistry, but that spark doesn't necessarily flare for the correct reasons. For many of us, attraction is a mystery. How is it that the traits that drew us to a person in the first place may turn us off so quickly and cause issues later on? How can that calm assurance that used to make us swoon change into a soul-crushing aloofness that separates us from someone we care about? How can a teeny-tiny hint of envy become into full-fledged insecurity and dependence?
In my last article, "Why You Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship," I looked into this riddle, examining why we typically pick similar companions and end up in the same unhappy or failed relationships. How do we determine when our attractions might be considered warning signs? When we don't even know a person, what characteristics should we avoid? In this article, I'd want to address some of these concerns and provide a way out of the patterns that cause wrong partner selection and form connections with the appropriate ones.
Recognize Your Pattern
We don't always fall for someone because their excellent attributes complement our own; sometimes it's because their undesirable characteristics are a perfect match for ours. As a result, the first step in starting a relationship (or enhancing one) is to examine yourself and your previous relationships. What attributes do you search for in a relationship on a regular basis? Do you have any undesirable characteristics that always seem to surface and finally drive you insane? Do you have a habit of picking someone with particular characteristics and then being disappointed with them? Do your relationships tend to end for the same reasons every time?
Once you've identified a pattern, you'll have something to work with. You'll know how to stop the pattern by figuring out how you keep winding up with the same unsuitable person in every relationship. It's critical to understand what is functioning within you that is fueling your behavior with each decision you make and action you do in a relationship.
Attempt To Take Risks
When it comes to love, it's best to approach it not just with your emotions, but also with your intellect. Instead of selecting the same sort of person for the same undesirable attributes, you might try choosing a spouse who is completely different. For example, if you grew up feeling invisible or neglected, you may be wary of someone who genuinely cares about you. Instead, you could be drawn to someone who is aloof or reserved in their emotions.
You can choose to be open to the prospect of being with someone who isn't like the individuals you usually prefer, such as someone who exhibits strong interest to you. This shift will almost certainly make you feel conflicted. You might be aware of the negative elements impacting your decision since you've discovered your pattern. Perhaps your lack of interest in this individual stems from the fact that he or she is exhibiting an interest in you.
You may develop a stronger connection with a better, if unusual, outcome when you intentionally choose to disrupt a habit. You may become acclimated to this out-of-the-ordinary relationship if you stick it out and give this out-of-the-ordinary individual a chance. Yours may be one of those love tales about odd couples who marry and live happily ever after.
You may halt the momentum and avert another terrible ending if you are in a relationship and identify that it is moving in the same direction as previous relationships. Most likely, you and your spouse are working together to create the unfavorable dynamics in your relationship. He/she is not just the same sort of person you usually wind up with, but you are most likely the same kind of person he/she ends up with as well. Even if there are genuine traits we admire and adore in the persons we choose to date, we must keep in mind that each of us is also ensuring that the bad baggage we each carry fits neatly into the emotional compartments of the other.
Discuss with your spouse how your related patterns fit together and how you could be reenacting dynamics from your pasts with each other. You will each have ideas of behaviors you may question as you explore how they play out in your relationship, and you will know that your relationship is not doomed. Remember that in each relationship, you will be confronted with both your own and another person's limits. The more you and your spouse know about one other, the better equipped you will be to deal with these restrictions. In a relationship, you may both change and grow. You will find new elements of yourself and your relationship as you individually challenge yourselves and let go of your old negative identities.
Pay Attention To Your Friends
Trusting your friends can help you determine if a strong attraction or lack of interest is based on your genuine state of mind or components of your history. They are more objective when it comes to you. My buddy rejected down her now-boyfriend for a whole year since he wasn't her type, according to her. Her friends were astonished by how kind he was and how much he liked her when they met him. They urged her to be more accepting of him and to give him a chance. She decided to take their advise and agreed to meet him for a date. This relocation proved to be the most difficult obstacle in her relationship, but she overcame it and went on to build a deep and loving partnership.
You Shouldn't Pay Attention To Your Inner Coach
You can turn off your inner coach, which forecasts a bad conclusion for your relationship and promotes a pessimistic perspective of both you and your spouse. You can dismiss it when it is critical of you or when it exaggerates and distorts any of your partner's flaws. This negative mindset, often known as the "critical inner voice," encourages us to replicate the emotional environment in which we grew up. If we were neglected as children, it signals that we would be rejected as adults. If we are intruded upon, it means that a loved one is expecting something from us. In virtually no other aspect of our lives does this coach speak as loudly or as harshly as in our personal relationships.
Consider your inner coach to be a written conversation from the past that continues to play out in your present life. The purpose of this voice is to keep you and your spouse in a comfortable and familiar but very negative frame of mind. Even when you're with someone you adore, your inner critic is working against you, as I discussed in my article "It's Not You, It's Me: The Truth Behind the Excuse." You may keep an impartial and sympathetic view of yourself and your relationship by confronting your inner coach.
One of my friends prefers males who are financially insecure and rely on others for help. "I've never been with a man who paid his taxes!" she said at one point. She identifies as a "Daddy's Girl" who idolizes her father. Despite going bankrupt multiple times and doing time in jail for tax evasion, her father instilled in her the necessity of working and taking care of herself. My buddy began dating someone who had a solid profession and was courteous and kind to her to break her habit of dating financially dependent guys.
She was loving their connection, but she was also experiencing a lot of negative thoughts. "How did you end up with this creep?" Now that he's adoring you, what good are you to him? He'll most likely get weary of you and abandon you." Her inner critic mocked her relationship and picked apart her partner. She listened to her pals when they advised her that her assaults on herself and critiques of her lover were foolish. She opted to ignore her inner critic and seize the chance to cultivate a relationship based on mutual respect, admiration, and love for one another.
Stay The Course
Change takes time and effort, so be patient and persevere. Support is also beneficial to personal change. When it comes to understanding the dynamics of a relationship, there is a lot to consider. There's what each individual brings to the relationship, and then there's what's going on between them as a pair. That is why counselling is beneficial to those who want to challenge themselves and improve their relationships.
Although you may attain this objective on your own, it is recommended that you accept all available assistance from friends and family members, as well as from a therapist. Giving up on having a close connection is a poor answer since it ensures that you will never achieve what you desire. You're listening to a critical inner voice telling you that you don't deserve anything and that you don't need anybody in your life. Self-denial is a sort of self-denial that limits your life when you align yourself with this cynical self-protective approach. It's preferable to love and be wounded than to never love. You'll be rewarded for sticking it out and challenging your pattern of negative relationships by learning new things about yourself and your spouse in the setting of a loving and meaningful relationship.